He Gives Me the Silent Treatment and Continues to Stay inmy House

What to say and do when you're being ignored by your husband, wife or partner

You want to know how to win the silent treatment – maybe with dignity.

I suspect you're being ignored, perhaps for hours or even days at a time.

You may wonder why on earth your partner or spouse would want to do that to you.

You wish you'd had a supportive spouse or partner, someone who would be there for you, no matter what and wouldn't dream of ignoring you.

I have no doubt that it's really hurting you. I suspect you've been desperately trying to get your partner or spouse to talk to you, particularly when they've been at it for hours or even days.

You've perhaps tried everything you can think of, simply to get them to acknowledge you again. It's no wonder, then, if these episodes leave you feeling rejected, worthless and probably angry.

You may or may not have done something 'wrong'. However, your husband or partner hasperceived you've done something they didn't like. Or they simply want to control you.

Either way, being on the receiving end of the silent treatment and being given the cold shoulder is oh so painful!

I'm not surprised that you want to know how to respond to the silent treatment with dignity or even without!

So, stick with me…

We'll be exploring the silent treatment in the context of a close couple relationship. However, much of the advice can also be applied to any other personal relationship.

In this article, you'll discover:

• What the silent treatment is
• The difference between it being regular or a 'one-off'
• Reasons they're giving you the silent treatment
• What to do about it and win
• 5 things to avoid
• 6 ways of helping yourself and your relationship
• 3 steps toward dealing with the silent treatment with dignity.

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What is the silent treatment, and how can you 'win' it?

You'll surely know what it feels like when someone gives you the silent treatment. They simply stop talking to you – for hours, days or even weeks.

Your partner or spouse will ignore you, deliberately avoid and cold-shoulder you. It's often a passive-aggressive way to control, manipulate and hurt you.

It's their way to show they're miffed by something you've said or done.

But, it can also be a way to shut themselves off when they feel overwhelmed and see no way out.

Ouch, either way!

So what's going on – is it the silent treatment or a poor version of the time-out technique called stonewalling?

"Being excluded or ostracized is an invisible form of bullying that doesn't leave bruises, and therefore we often underestimate its impact," *)

Distinguished Professor of Psychology in the Department of Psychological Sciences at Purdue University in West Lafayette, Indiana

Getting the silent treatment (cold shoulder treatment)

If your partner seems to have stopped talking to you out of the blue or after a fight, clearly the two of you are having a conflict – even if you weren't aware that you'd done something 'wrong'.

By giving you the silent treatment, your partner wants you to know that they are displeased and is intent on punishing you.

Stonewalling

Stonewalling will have started after your partner cut you off in the middle of an argument.

They will have refused to talk further and may even have abruptly left the room or the house. In this instance, they're likely to feel overwhelmed – by hurt, frustration or anger.

Stonewalling is a defensive move away from danger toward safety. It's an attempt to prevent themselves or the situation from getting out of control. Watch this video to see how it works.

Stonewalling is used to shut down the conversation when other strategies (e.g. criticism, contempt and defensiveness) haven't worked.

It's without a doubt detrimental to the relationship, particularly when it becomes a habit.

It totally removes the ability for both partners to process the conflict, negotiate, compromise, forgive (even if not forget), apologise and move on.

Is this a one-off, or are you regularly being completely ignored by your husband, wife or partner?

Are you or have you been on the receiving end of the cold-shoulder treatment or stonewalling?

Then take a moment to think about what might have caused your partner to behave like this.

Be totally honest with yourself: is it possible that you recently have done something that hurt your partner terribly? Or does your partner treat you this way regularly?

Your partner regularly acts as if you don't exist – by text, phone or in person

Are you often totally ignored and/or stonewalled? Can you genuinely see no reason why?

In that case, your partner uses the silent treatment to manipulate you.

It's a tactic designed to control your behaviour and is a sign of an abusive relationship.

If that feels a little too familiar, I'd like you to go straight to this article for the help you need right now: Signs of an abusive relationship.

Being ignored appears to be a one-off

Are you aware you've done something unhelpful?

Then it might be that your partner feels overwhelmed by hurt and anger – perhaps after an argument. They may not have the skill to deal with the situation other than ignoring you.

However, refusing to talk to you until they decide you've been punished enough or they feel better is far from helpful in a loving relationship!

You don't have to wait for them to make the first move.

Here's what you can do when you know you're in the wrong…

• Acknowledge their hurt and anger and the pain your actions have caused (imagine yourself in their shoes)
• Apologise sincerely – without any ifs, buts or excuses
• Ask to be forgiven
• State your love and commitment to them
• Suggest a day and time for an honest and calm discussion so that you can resolve the situation together.

I'd also recommend that you talk it over with a counsellor or coach beforehand (it's easy to connect with professional help these days).

That way, you can work out the best approach and identify anything that could stand in the way of reconciliation.

Conflicts are inevitable in intimate relationships.

But, it's essential for the survival of your relationship or marriage that you both learn to deal with- and bounce back from the challenges you encounter along the way.

Why does your spouse or partner ignore you?

I often get asked is: "Why do guys give the silent treatment?"

How might this ever-so-unhelpful tactic have come about?

Here are a couple of possible explanations…

Childhood learning

It may be that your partner learnt about the silent treatment as a child.

They may have been subjected to it themselves… which will have given them first-hand experience of its effectiveness!

They'll know from personal experience that it can cause you to feel:

• Guilty and ashamed.
• confused and full of self-doubt
• afraid of further punishment, rejection and/or angry accusations
• desperate to put right whatever was done wrong.

A child whose parent used the cold-shoulder treatment may have been raised with other equally unhelpful parenting techniques. So they're unlikely to have any experience in effective conflict management.

They may have learnt that you'd have to suffer the silent treatment before being forgiven and loved again.

They learned to bend backwards to gain the displeased parent's forgiveness, love and attention.

In that case, they're likely to replicate that behaviour in adulthood – and they'll expect you to bend backwards to earn their forgiveness.

The silent treatment might also cause a child to become wary of anyone who claims to love them… because being ignored doesn't exactly feel very loving!

So, as an adult, they may have difficulty getting close to anyone because it can feel too risky. They may never be able to fully trust someone's proclaimed love simply because of the mixed messages they got as a child.

Maybe you also recognise some of these patterns in yourself?

"A child whose parent used the cold-shoulder treatment may well have been raised with other equally unhelpful parenting techniques. So they're unlikely to have any experience of effective conflict management."

Elly Prior

Giving someone the silent treatment due to difficulty talking about feelings

Does your partner generally find it difficult to talk about their feelings?

This is a less damaging scenario if it occurs in an essentially healthy relationship.

Your partner or spouse may at times shut themselves off when they no longer feel heard, and there's no progress in the discussion. They begin to feel overwhelmed.

While I hesitate to generalise, it's well-known that men often find it more challenging to talk about their feelings. Hence perhaps the question: "Why do guys give the silent treatment?".

They also tend to ignore an ex more often after a breakup. Men withdraw, preferring to move on (or sweep whatever the cause of the upset was under the carpet!) and focus on the future.

The most likely cause is that they become overwhelmed by emotions and cut themselves off from others as a coping strategy.

These are just two examples of potential reasons your spouse or partner might use the silent treatment. But they are by no means an excuse for the way they might behave.

Ultimately, when used strategically, the silent treatment is a form of emotional blackmail and manipulation and is not a healthy way to deal with problems in a relationship.

With that in mind, I'd really like you to look at my articles: Signs of emotional abuse, Signs of a toxic relationship and How to deal with a narcissistic husband, wife or partner.

I just want you to be sure there's nothing more sinister.

How to 'win' the silent treatment in relationships

What to do when your partner, wife or husband ignores you

You now know a little more about the cold-shoulder treatment in general.

Next, we'll look at how to counter the silent treatment – what to do and what to avoid – when you're being ignored.

Keep in mind…

• there are no benefits of the silent treatment, though your spouse or partner may feel safer having built a wall of silence around them
• you have the right to feel safe in your relationship – physically and emotionally – when your spouse ignores you, it's hard to feel safe
• you are not your partner's therapist
• you cannot change your partner, and neither should you change yourself to fit in with their demands beyond reasonable compromises
• 'giving back' the silent treatment will result in a competition detrimental to the survival of your relationship
• you are not responsible for stopping the silent treatment, but you can learn how to handle it
• you can help yourself feel less affected, stronger and more assertive with the help of a hypnosis download. Self-hypnosis, with the help of a professional audio-download, is a user-friendly and – above all – effective way to help you feel better fast. To discover how it can work for you, see my page Hypnosis FAQ and Downloads. I think you would really benefit from the Boost Your Self Esteem Pack right now.

Being on the receiving end of this kind of toxic behaviour can be pretty upsetting and frustrating.

It can make you feel pretty powerless too – but there are ways you can help to resolve the situation.

You don't have to (and indeed you shouldn't just) wait for things to get better on their own.

Here's what else you can do when all too often your partner or spouse is ignoring you for hours or even days on end…

Dealing with the silent treatment in a relationship

5 things to avoid when your husband, wife or partner ignores you

I understand you'd want to win the silent treatment. But, let's face it, that strategy is more about ego than it is to build a healthy relationship.

So, let's look at how you can 'win' the silent treatment in the context of a happy, fulfilling relationship. Here's what you'll need to avoid at all costs:

1. Don't retaliate
   Don't be tempted to use the same tactic in return. Trying to annoy a passive-aggressive partner is only going to increase your communication problems.
2. Don't blame yourself
   Even if you've done something 'wrong', it's not right for your partner to punish you by ignoring you (or "punish" you at all, for that matter!). Sure, you need to take responsibility for your mistakes – but so does your partner!
3. Don't try to please your partner
   When you're wondering how to respond to the silent treatment, remind yourself that you are being mistreated yourself.
4. Don't plead with your partner
   State clearly that you're prepared to talk when they're ready, and leave it at that.
5. Don't excuse their behaviour
   Don't attempt to argue away their manipulative (and emotionally abusive) behaviour. It's unacceptable – full-stop!

Oh, and remember, you try to figure out what the underlying reason is for their behaviour if it only occurs very occasionally, but you can't heal them.

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Dealing with the silent treatment in a relationship

3 ways of helping yourself

Here's how to deal with stonewalling:

1. Look at the bigger picture
   Do read the articles I recommended above to really inform yourself about what might be going on.
   Why?
   It'll help you put this problem in a wider context so that it becomes clear what you're really dealing with. I also suggest you take my comprehensive relationship test to help you figure out if you're really with the right person.
2. Reflect on your own boundaries
   Decide what you find acceptable, and what isn't acceptable to you. (Think how your childhood shaped your understanding of how relationships work.)
   Why?
   You're likely to be more confident in stating your needs and wants, including deciding when it's time to end the relationship
3. Talk to someone you trust
   Ask them just to listen to you. That will help you organise your thoughts.
   Why?
   It's likely to disconnect you from the feeling that somehow you're responsible for your partner's behaviour. And it may help you to consider whether or not this really is the right relationship for you. My article on the who, why and where of getting good relationship advice can help you choose the right person to help you with your relationship problems.

Three ways to help you improve your relationship

1. Learn how to argue effectively
Read my articles on why you argue so much and how to stop the constant arguing in a relationship. It has a ton of tips and advice to help you acquire good communication skills so that you no longer have to resort to trying to win the silent treatment.

2. Take a break
Familiarise yourself with a time-out (opens in a new tab).

It's a really useful strategy when you're feeling too overwhelmed to think straight. And you may be able to agree with your partner that you can both use this approach in the future.

3. Implement something positive immediately
Familiarise yourself with three healthy relationship tips or strategies which you can implement immediately.

It will focus your attention on something positive to contribute to the relationship instead of trying to contain the negatives. This is a potential antidote against being ignored completely.

How to respond to the silent treatment with dignity

Being treated with the silent treatment is hurtful. You deserve better. So here are three steps you can undertake to encourage your partner to communicate in a more helpful way…

Step 1: Present your partner or spouse with the research

They need to know there's good evidence that ignoring you is endangering the future of your relationship.

Step 2: Write them a letter

Base it on the information in my article on how to avoid constant arguments. Be sure to express your love for them (if indeed you do love them!).

Mention how much being ignored is hurting you and what the effects are.

Leave your letter when they can read it when you're not around. They'll ideally need to be calm and have an opportunity to reflect on it.

Be sure to include a link to this article.

Step 3: If it's an abusive relationship – leave

Okay, this is more to help yourself than your partner. Although, it does give them a very clear message that their behaviour is absolutely unacceptable.

Be sure not to justthreaten to leave as an attempt to manipulate your partner though. See: How to end your relationship.

Being given the silent treatment is never a pleasant experience. And it's never a helpful approach, either! At worst, it can be a sign of a toxic relationship.

At best, it's an unhealthy attempt to make upset and displeasure clear and to provoke guilt and atonement.

The above steps will help you to handle the silent treatment with dignity.

FAQ about the silent treatment

Are you still left with questions?

Let me try to answer them for you here.

Can the silent treatment be 'good'?

No, the silent treatment is seldom a good idea.

When you're using the silent treatment, you're attempting to manipulate and control your partner or spouse.

I can understand your resorting to not responding to your partner or spouse if they continue to batter your ears over something you really don't want to talk about.

However, it's a passive-aggressive way of expressing your displeasure or anger while there're far more helpful ways of communicating.

Discover how, in my article on communication in a relationship.

Can the silent treatment backfire?

If you're using a more helpful way of communicating and argue fairly, you won't need to worry about the silent treatment backfiring.

Why use the silent treatment?

The silent treatment is used by someone who doesn't know how else to get through to their partner. Or, someone uses it to manipulate or control another person to get them to capitulate, do as told or until apologised.

Can the silent treatment work?

The silent treatment can work if you've stopped dating someone who keeps bothering you.

However, I hope you'll first have told that person kindly but firmly you don't see a future in the relationship and have decided to break up.

The only other time the silent treatment might be needed is if you're dealing with an abusive ex. You may need to stop responding entirely, setting clear boundaries, particularly, for example, when you're dealing with a narcissistic person.

Will giving someone the silent treatment work?

The question is – would you really want your partner to be a victim of your manipulative and controlling behaviour?

Using the silent treatment can be seen as toxic, abusive and immature behaviour, and it really hurts the other person.

I wouldn't want you to put yourself in that position. I'm convinced that you can do better once you've discovered how to communicate effectively!

When your partner has really hurt you, I can understand you'd retaliate.

Have you reached a stage of tit-for-tat in your relationship?

Then it's time to get some relationship coaching, visit a couples therapist, end your relationship or get a divorce.

How long should the silent treatment last?

Suppose your partner or spouse has been giving you the silent treatment for a month, a week or even a day. In that case, I'd like you to take a good look at your relationship because chances are you're in a toxic relationship.

Perhaps that comes as a shock, or you've known all along that you're in a bad relationship. Either way, I'd like you to read my articles Signs of emotional abuse and How to know you're in an abusive relationship. I wouldn't want you to continue in a relationship where you're unsafe.

What are the effects of the silent treatment?

Other than the effects already mentioned, the ultimate effect of the silent treatment is that your partner or spouse will stop loving you!

There's no doubt that the silent treatment can damage a relationship beyond repair.

Relationship researcher John Gottman considers stonewalling one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse indicative of an early ending of the relationship.

How should you respond to the silent treatment?

You know now how to respond to the silent treatment if you're in a committed relationship. But, what if you're only dating?

If you're dating or are in a long-distance relationship and you're being given the silent treatment, stop writing, texting or calling right away! You're either being manipulated, or the relationship has ended.

I suspect that may well be tough on you, but I've got your back! Hop over to my articles on how to get over a breakup.

Why does the silent treatment hurt?

Many of my clients said that getting the silent treatment was killing them!

It hurt them because they felt controlled, manipulated and generally unfairly treated. They told me how it felt like a punishment and that the hurt was like physical pain.

They thought it a loveless and childish way of communicating, particularly, when they were being ignored for no apparent reason.

Finally

It may be that your partner doesn't understand how much damage they're doing to your relationship by giving you the silent treatment. And when they get to understand the consequences of their stone-walling, they may be willing to work hard to avoid that strategy.

Is your partner totally unwilling to accept that their behaviour isn't appropriate?

Then, I'm really sorry, you'll need to think long and hard about the future of this relationship.

Effective communication is key to any healthy relationship. If there's no sign of that on the horizon, then this probably isn't the right relationship for you.

Remember: we're all human and we all make mistakes. That includes your partner!

But, deliberately ignoring a loved one ruins a relationship. That's why I'm so chuffed you've read this article on how to respond to and 'win' the silent treatment.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed the two of you find more helpful ways to communicate and that you can look forward to happier times. :-)

*) "University News Service." Purdue University. N.p., n.d. Web. 30 Dec. 2019.

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